10.07.2003

GOOD NEWS FOR GRAY DAVIS

The Governor was uneasy over the election. Even though his party's polls had shown a narrower margin in the recall vote itself, he knew that all the other polls indicated that his days as chief executive of the most populous state in the union were numbered. He needed a miracle, he knew it, and he knew that so far none had been forthcoming.


Finally one of the Governor's aides knocked quietly on the door.


"Come in," said the Governor calmly.


"Governor," said the aide as he closed the door behind him. "I have the latest reports on how the voting is going."


"I know," said the Governor, holding up his hands. "I really am not in the mood to hear bad news right now, so..."


"Well, actually, Governor, there is some good news."


The Governor looked up, not quite believing his ears. "Good news? Are you sure?"


"Yes sir."


"Let me guess. That strutting, musclebound Nazi just got deported."


"Well," said the aide, leafing quickly through the papers in his hand. "Uh, no."


The Governor sat forward, a predatory smile starting to appear. "That traitor Bustamante got attacked and eaten by a pack of wild, slavering badgers."


The aide blinked, consulted his papers again. "I'm sorry, Governor, no."


The Governor stood up and leaned across the desk, his eyes gleaming dangerously. "A giant redwood fell on Arianna Huffington's f%&king hybrid vehicle."


"Uh-uh." The aide, sensing danger, began backing away toward the door, but the Governor followed.


"Those stupid idiot judges on the 9th Circuit came to their senses and declared the Republican Party unconstitutional."


The aide uttered a high-pitched giggle. "Sorry, Governor, no. I've been praying for that just like you ordered..."


It was too late. "WHAT'S THE F%&KING GOOD NEWS!!??" shrieked the Governor as he grabbed the aide by the throat, punched him in the face, and shook him until his teeth rattled. "ENOUGH WITH THE F%&KING GUESSING GAMES YOU F%&KING F%&KER! JUST TELL ME! TELL ME!!!"


The aide pried the Governor's fingers from around his throat and squeaked, "I just saved a ton of money on my car insurance by switching to GEICO."

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